Tag: relationship

Fear of being alone

We are created to be loved, as love is based on the foundation of human existence, so be encouraged and assured that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship is exciting and enjoyable when you are with the right person. However, problems arise when you are afraid of being on your own, to the extent that you jump from one relationship to another to prevent having a relationship with yourself.

There are many reasons which may influence you to desire a relationship. Here are some of the key factors that create fear of being alone.

Age

You feel that you’re getting older and you are afraid that the chances of having a baby are decreasing, which creates an intense fear of your biological clock ticking.

Peer pressure

Most of your friends are in a relationship/getting married with children. You are worrying that you’re becoming the odd one out, or even fearing that there is something wrong with you that leads you to have failed relationships.

Family dynamics

If your parents are separated and one or both parents have not moved on from the past, this may trigger a fear to avoid being like them, as you can imagine spending the rest of your life alone.

Cultural and parental pressure

Within certain cultures, women are particularly expected to get married and have children before they reach 40 years of age. When a woman reaches her mid-30s, she starts to panic about being alone for the rest of her life due to cultural beliefs that she should be married with a child by her mid to late 30s.

Regardless of your reasons for not wanting to be on your own, it’s essential to like and enjoy your own company irrespective of your circumstances.

Simple ways to get rid of the fear of being single forever

  • Learn to be at peace with yourself

Self-acceptance is the beginning of building true intimacy and accepting everything about who you are as a person. Begin to self-evaluate by being honest about the type of relationship that you have with yourself. For instance, do you often criticise yourself, thinking that you are ugly, too old, too fat, not good enough and not worthy of being loved? Your emotional well-being and confidence will be hindered if you talk or think of yourself in this manner. It will lead to low self-esteem, fear and insecurities. Feeling good about yourself begins with your thoughts, so the aim is to “think good, feel good”. Bad thoughts influence you to feel bad. We all have inner power which helps to build our esteem, so avoid giving your power away by been stuck in a negative place. We all feel negative from time to time, but it’s highly essential that you don’t get stuck there.

  • Feel good about yourself

If you have had negative experiences which could hinder the way that you feel about yourself, then it’s essential that you try your utmost to deal with it. Speaking to people that you trust can help you tremendously. Don’t bottle this up; instead learn to talk about it, as expressing your emotions can help to overcome depression, contribute to feeling positive, build your confidence and self-esteem. Remember – positive people attract positive people, and negative people always attract negative people. Unfortunately, if you don’t believe in yourself, other people will not do this either. It’s like selling something that you don’t like or value, but want others to. It’s very conflicting. The more you believe and love yourself, the more convinced and positive you will feel about finding the right partner for you.

  • Change your mindset about being single

Being single is a period to be embraced. It is time to get to know and understand who you are as a person before you pursue your potential spouse. This is a period in your life where you can set personal goals and work towards fulfilling your true destiny. When you are living the life that you want and enjoying yourself, there is no time wasted, as the best mindset to adopt is living your life to the fullest and still preparing yourself for a life partner. You are likely to get the right partner when you have taken time to love, accept, develop, know and understand yourself, as these are some key principles required from a relationship. So rather than being afraid of being alone, embrace it and prepare for your life partner by aiming to be your best self. Remember – you meet people based on where you are on an emotional level.

  • Enjoy yourself

Create time to enjoy yourself by engaging in enjoyable activities with friends and family. Feeling empty and negative will not motivate or empower you. Create a happy list to enjoy things that you love and have fun. When you are not satisfied with who you are and become desperate to be in a relationship, it could contribute to meeting the wrong people that may mistreat you and take advantage of your vulnerabilities. People want to be around positive and happy people.

  • Don’t be jealous of other people’s relationships

No relationship is perfect, and some people may choose to edit negative experiences about their relationships when discussing their relationship with you, so you will never really understand the full dynamics of another person’s relationship.

When you are happy for other happy couples, it minimises any bitterness, and you know in your heart that your time will come. Never compare yourself to others and understand that everyone has their journey. Your time will come too.

Fear of intimacy

Everyone wants to find that special spouse who is loving, warm, share special memories and to be loved. However, there are times when we have a fantasy of having the relationship that we desire, but afraid of the reality of what it entails. Many men and women complain that they are not able to find the right spouse for whatever reason. 

The reason for the lack of success in the search for “Mr right or Mrs right” could be endless. But there could be one thing that may be preventing you from meeting the right person, which could be fear of intimacy. Firstly, children that have grown up in an environment where one or both parents were emotionally/physically unavailable or didn’t see or sense closeness from both parents, subconsciously repeat these learnt behaviours in relationships.

As result of this, you are more likely to attract men or women who are emotionally unavailable, struggle with intimacy or closeness within a relationship. People that have fear of intimacy often have issues associated with low self-esteem and are more comfortable loving from a distance. Although they crave for closeness, they are too afraid to consciously pursue it. As getting close to someone is risky, uncomfortable, boring, unsafe and often scary.

The fear of intimacy phobia is known by several other names such as aphenphosmphobia (which is the fear of being touched) as well as philophobia (which is the fear of love). The sad reality is that people want to experience love but struggle with it when they feel or sense it. 

To be completely intimate with someone requires a conscious effort on sides. It is also worth having a deep understanding of the root cause of this fear, which is more likely to have transpired from childhood experiences or past relationships. Having an awareness is key to enabling you to turn this around. 

Signs that you suffer from fear of intimacy:

1) You attract spouses that you can fix

You often attract spouses who are emotionally unavailable to you. This means that these individuals are unable to totally connect or understand your emotional needs. It could be both men or women who have had a troubled or difficult childhood. As being with people with emotional issues keeps you insecure and busy trying to fix them. The more you work hard trying to fix them, the more you subconsciously distract yourself from your own emotions and as a result, your spouse will not be able to meet your emotional needs.

2) You avoid feeling 

When you are overly busy and not taking the time to reflect, being still and processing your emotions, is a form of avoidance. When you avoid feeling, you can never really understand your emotions and will not able to understand yourself. How can someone love you, if you don’t even understand your feelings or yourself?

3) Attracting spouses that represent your childhood experiences

Choosing a partner that often causes you emotional pain, so they subconsciously repeat the negative emotional cycle from childhood. This could be a physical or emotional pain. When you subconsciously choose partners that have characteristics of the people that have abandoned, rejected, abused or not have been physically or emotionally available to you. This learnt behaviour becomes difficult to break and becomes the pattern in your relationships. Instead of experiencing love you experience pain. 

4) Discomfort with love

You attract people that treat you bad and get very uncomfortable with spouses that truly love you for who you are. 

5) Avoidance 

You use things to avoid feeling your emotions, particularly negative ones, this includes sex, food, alcohol, drugs, being overly busy all the time and engaging in none productive activities.

6) You’re afraid of being alone 

You find being alone very uncomfortable and being alone represents stillness and connecting with your emotions. So you subconsciously try to not be alone or find ways to distract yourself when you’re alone.

7) Being second best 

Choosing marriage partners is more exciting than taking a risk to find the right person for you. As you are subconsciously attracted to the drama.