Tag: love

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Low self esteem and relationships – Part 3

Anyone can suffer from low self esteem. Regardless of how great your childhood may have been, there may be some experiences that could impact your esteem, such as:

  • Divorce/relationship issues
  • Death of a loved one,
  • Unemployment
  • Life threatening illnesses
  • Failing an exam
  • Financial crisis
  • Housing issues
  • Family break down
  • Stress or depression
  • Dealing with challenging issues within the work place.

All of the above issues could affect anyone. However, people that have ongoing issues associated with low self esteem are mostly individuals from dysfunctional homes, who have been emotionally deprived based on what these individuals have witnessed. These experiences include being sexually, emotionally or physically abused.

There are also incidents where one or both parents may have been polygamous, experienced poverty, suffered with drugs/alcohol abuse, been emotionally unavailable or have had mental health issues.

The sad thing about life is that when babies are born, they are not programmed to dislike themselves; they love everything about who they are, until negative things about them are brought to their attention, particularly when the reflections that their parents projects are negative. Consequently, they will have a negative view of themselves, as babies see themselves as their parents see them. Parents are like a mirror as babies are born with no self identity.

That is why it is very important for parents to love and help build their child’s esteem. If you often hear that you are bad, ugly, dumb, will amount to nothing or that you are useless, then that will be how you perceive yourself and you will surely believe what you have been told by your parents.

Unfortunately, low self esteem becomes more apparent within inter-mate relationships than any other area of a person’s life. People with low esteem can appear confident in their appearance, by the way they speak, class, position within their career and how well they carry out their duties at work. Deep down however, they have a negative view of themselves. 

When your esteem is low you choose partners that are mostly emotionally unavailable or dislike men or women that treat you well. As you are so used to being treated badly, you subconsciously attract partners that reinforce the negative emotions from your childhood. For example picking partners that are emotionally damaged so you can fix them; partners that are overly selfish so work hard for love by putting them as the main focus within the relationship; partners that continuously cause you emotional pain, to keep you more insecure, anxious and paranoid; partners that will abandon you if you have issues with fear of abandonment; partners that have fear of commitment or intimacy, so they can love you from a distance.

How to overcome low self esteem 

Love yourself 

Self love is important and is the most useful way that you can have more satisfying and fulfilling relationships. When you learn to love yourself, you’re more equipped to give and receive love. After all, you cannot give the best of yourself to others until you give your best to yourself first. This is called being self-nurturing, not selfish. Most people always put everyone else before themselves. When you act in this way, you will always be secondary within relationships, in addition to being drained and not having much to give to yourself. Make yourself a priority and create some ‘me time’ to recharge yourself.

Acceptance

It is essential to be aware and accept who you are as an individual (the good, the bad and the ugly). It is impossible to make the change that you want unless you know that have the problem in the first place. There is nothing worse than living in denial.

Take time to understand yourself 
 
The more you understand yourself, the more you will discover the root cause of the low self esteem. Once you realise the root cause, take responsibility to work on yourself and forgive people that have contributed to your low self concept, such as your parents. It’s not emotionally healthy to blame people – doing so can make you a victim and you could become emotionally bitter. Instead, learn to take control of your life and give yourself the love that you didn’t receive from your childhood

Evaluate your relationships 

Ensure that you are not giving too much within your relationships and receiving very little back. A relationship should be reciprocal. When you often give too much to another person, they lose respect for you, so if you want others to respect you then start by respecting yourself. If you don’t, then you can’t expect others to do the same. 

Learn to forgive

Forgiving others helps you to let go of the emotional pain which you may be carrying around. When you hold on to the pain that others have caused you, particularly your parents, you are more likely to be subconsciously drawn to a partner that has similar characteristics as your parents. Consequently, your negative experiences will be constantly repeated from an emotional level. If you find it difficult to speak to the person that has hurt you, you can always write a letter but don’t send it. Just bin it or burn once you have written it.

 

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Self-esteem in relationships

What is the meaning of self-esteem? Self-esteem defines how you treat yourself, what you think of yourself and the relationship that you have with yourself. A person can be confident but still have low self-esteem, as they outwardly appear confident. This could be based on external factors including:
appearance, marital status, class, occupation, etc. But inwardly they feel terrible. We all wear a mask, as we have certain aspects of ourselves that we do not want others to see or know.

You can fool people, but you certainly can not fool yourself. When you begin to fool yourself, then you are living in denial. Living in denial can be a painful process as you struggle to accept the reality or truth about yourself or the situation that you are in.

Self-acceptance is the most powerful experience you can gain. To truly love yourself, it is important to accept everything about who you are as a person, including the good, the bad and the ugly. After all, no one is perfect. People with low self-esteem, often do not respect themselves and they consistently attract spouses that disrespect them. They put up with unreasonable behaviours including; cheating, domestic violence, serial liars, emotional abuse and highly selfish partners.

These individuals have a strong desire to be loved, so they often attract spouses that do not love them the way that they deserved to be loved. Consequently, reinforcing any negative experiences from their childhood. This makes a person live in constant fear of the worst outcome, which reinforces more negativity within intimate relationship experiences.

It is always best to have good relationships with yourself before committing to a serious relationship. After all, how will your potential spouse understand you if you do not understand yourself?

Building your esteem within relationships

  • Learn to respect yourself.

Self-respect is key within all your relationships. The reality in life is that you will meet people who genuinely do not like or respect you the way that you should be treated. However, you have a choice not to accept unreasonable behaviour. If you put up with people constantly disrespecting you, then these individuals may feel that it is OK. If you do not like how you are spoken to or treated, then speak up.

  • Avoid people pleasing.

Repeatedly pleasing others in order for them to like or love you is emotionally draining and never works. You subconsciously give your power away and this could make you feel worthless. People have to like or love you for who you are. If you feel that you need to please others for love then, it is time for you to give yourself what you want from others, (love, reassurance and happiness) so you can break the cycle.

  • Learn from previous mistakes.

Life is like a school and our experiences teach us a lot about ourselves. Always learn something positive from your mistakes, these mistakes help you to do things better next time. So, instead of being hard on yourself because of mistakes that you have made or living in regret, learn something valuable about yourself.

  • Never allow another person to control you.

When you allow people to control you, you are actually giving them your power. Set boundaries within all your relationships. Controlling people are normally not in control and only want to feel like they are in control.

  • Analyse the type of spouses you attract.

You often attract people that are very similar to your character and the type men or women that you attract is a reflection of where you are at emotionally. For instance, co-dependents attract narcissistic mates and victims always attract perpetrators. Find out the patterns of the type of spouses have been attracted to. Make a list of the characteristics and consciously try and make better decisions when choosing your potential mate.

  • Explore your relationships.

Are you often giving more to your relationships than what you always receive? If so, ask yourself why do you give so much and yet get so little back. It is good to give but if you are the only one always giving, you became a “doormat”, so learn to get the balance right.

  • Create a happy list.

Make a list of all the things that you enjoy doing, that makes you happy and ensure that you do them as often as possible to make yourself happy, whether or not you are in a relationship.

  • Learn to conquer your fears.

Everyone is afraid of something, that is the reality of life. However, living in constant fear could leave you feeling stuck, and allow life to pass you by. Life is a risk and the more you take healthy risks that are not self-sabotaging impacts your esteem. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

 
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How loving yourself helps you to love others

Perhaps you have grown up in a home where you didn’t receive love from one or both parents? Maybe you were not raised by your biological parents, and you were adopted/fostered or even raised by other family members? It could even be that the experiences that you witnessed at home were unpleasant and negative? These experiences could have had an impact on your self-esteem and the types of relationships that you attract.

We all have an intense desire to be loved and nurtured. Love gives us the reassurance that we are not alone. Consequently, the motivational force behind finding love is to be in a relationship, have children, experience and share our love with our spouse or children. Research shows that love and belonging are vital in aiding a person’s growth, to reach their self-actualising tendencies. There is no drive to achieve anything in life without love. When you examine the existence of human beings, the key motivational force behind it is love. A child is born in the world where they need love to thrive and have a sense of belonging. This child later goes to school, college and university to educate themselves to equip them in search of a career. Then the child may decide to work and earn money to support their day to day living, including renting or buying a house which at some point they would like to share with the special person that they love. It’s very natural to expand that love by having a family who you can share that love with. As result, it is apparent that the love is the foundation of the human existence.

When an individual hasn’t had or experienced love from their childhood they subconsciously crave for it in many ways other than themselves, including relationships, children, and external validation. Although this is normal and often healthy, it can also be unbalanced if you became dependent on another person to love you. This behaviour can be addictive, which is similar to being addicted to a substances, food, sex or alcohol. However, in this case, you are addicted to another person to love you. 

The foundation of true love starts from loving yourself first. No one is truly going to love you if you don’t love yourself.

Simple ways to love yourself:

  • Avoid seeking approval from others.

When you seek approval from others, you are subconsciously asking people if you’re good enough.

  • Set boundaries within all your relationships.

The secret is, people will only treat you based on the relationship that you have with yourself. If the relationship that you have with yourself is mostly negative, then that is what you will receive from others.  If there are no boundaries within your relationships, then don’t be alarmed when people treat you as if you’re insignificant or like a “doormat”. If you are not happy with how you are being treated by others, then speak up. If you are constantly putting up with unreasonable behaviour, then others will believe that that is how you deserve to be treated.

  • Take responsibility for your happiness.

The only person that is responsible for your happiness is you. You are setting yourself up for disappointment when you expect other people to make you happy.

  • Create and enjoy your hobbies.

Having hobbies enables you to have a balance and time away from your work, or family commitments, allowing you to recharge and enjoy your company or socialise with other people

  • Create quiet time to reflect.

Being constantly busy will distract you from having time to reflect and connect with your emotions.

  • Learn to enjoy your own company.

It is essential to enjoy your own company, if you don’t, unfortunately, one else will. Avoid constantly distracting yourself from being on your own.

  • Begin to make decisions on your own.

When you’re overly indecisive and highly dependent on others to make a decision for you, you become emotionally reliant on them, this pattern of behaviour could impact your self-esteem. Indecisiveness causes self-doubt, and self-doubt is the root cause low self-esteem. Start off gradually, by making small decisions, and then expand to bigger ones.

  • Learn to forgive others.

Unforgiveness causes bitterness, although you may think that you are hurting the person that has hurt you, you’re actually hurting yourself by holding a grudge. Learn to let go of the emotional pain, even if you choose to remember experiences.

  • Never compare yourself with others.

Comparing yourself with others can blind you from your own beauty, full potential. Take time to find out who you really are and your natural gifts.

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Fear of intimacy

Everyone wants to find that special spouse who is loving, warm, share special memories and to be loved. However, there are times when we have a fantasy of having the relationship that we desire, but afraid of the reality of what it entails. Many men and women complain that they are not able to find the right spouse for whatever reason. 

The reason for the lack of success in the search for “Mr right or Mrs right” could be endless. But there could be one thing that may be preventing you from meeting the right person, which could be fear of intimacy. Firstly, children that have grown up in an environment where one or both parents were emotionally/physically unavailable or didn’t see or sense closeness from both parents, subconsciously repeat these learnt behaviours in relationships.

As result of this, you are more likely to attract men or women who are emotionally unavailable, struggle with intimacy or closeness within a relationship. People that have fear of intimacy often have issues associated with low self-esteem and are more comfortable loving from a distance. Although they crave for closeness, they are too afraid to consciously pursue it. As getting close to someone is risky, uncomfortable, boring, unsafe and often scary.

The fear of intimacy phobia is known by several other names such as aphenphosmphobia (which is the fear of being touched) as well as philophobia (which is the fear of love). The sad reality is that people want to experience love but struggle with it when they feel or sense it. 

To be completely intimate with someone requires a conscious effort on sides. It is also worth having a deep understanding of the root cause of this fear, which is more likely to have transpired from childhood experiences or past relationships. Having an awareness is key to enabling you to turn this around. 

Signs that you suffer from fear of intimacy:

1) You attract spouses that you can fix

You often attract spouses who are emotionally unavailable to you. This means that these individuals are unable to totally connect or understand your emotional needs. It could be both men or women who have had a troubled or difficult childhood. As being with people with emotional issues keeps you insecure and busy trying to fix them. The more you work hard trying to fix them, the more you subconsciously distract yourself from your own emotions and as a result, your spouse will not be able to meet your emotional needs.

2) You avoid feeling 

When you are overly busy and not taking the time to reflect, being still and processing your emotions, is a form of avoidance. When you avoid feeling, you can never really understand your emotions and will not able to understand yourself. How can someone love you, if you don’t even understand your feelings or yourself?

3) Attracting spouses that represent your childhood experiences

Choosing a partner that often causes you emotional pain, so they subconsciously repeat the negative emotional cycle from childhood. This could be a physical or emotional pain. When you subconsciously choose partners that have characteristics of the people that have abandoned, rejected, abused or not have been physically or emotionally available to you. This learnt behaviour becomes difficult to break and becomes the pattern in your relationships. Instead of experiencing love you experience pain. 

4) Discomfort with love

You attract people that treat you bad and get very uncomfortable with spouses that truly love you for who you are. 

5) Avoidance 

You use things to avoid feeling your emotions, particularly negative ones, this includes sex, food, alcohol, drugs, being overly busy all the time and engaging in none productive activities.

6) You’re afraid of being alone 

You find being alone very uncomfortable and being alone represents stillness and connecting with your emotions. So you subconsciously try to not be alone or find ways to distract yourself when you’re alone.

7) Being second best 

Choosing marriage partners is more exciting than taking a risk to find the right person for you. As you are subconsciously attracted to the drama.

 

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Anxiety and Relationships

Do you often feel anxious, on edge or constantly worrying about anything and everything?

If your answer is yes, then keep reading. Firstly, anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. If you find that your natural state is being anxious, then it is more likely that this emotion could be the result of past experiences or even picked up from your childhood.

Children, whose parent/s suffer from anxiety, are more likely to suffer from anxiety disorder. The reason behind this is that babies unconsciously mirror and reflect the moods of their parents. For example, if mum is constantly worried then the baby would pick up on her mood, since babies pick up on what they see and feel. So whatever their environment represents then that’s what will define or contribute to their characteristics.

Consequently, later on in life the child may grow up to being naturally worrisome and fret about things that are trivial, this could further lead to adults entering into relationships that would cause them to be anxious and even if there is nothing to worry about, they may create situations or scenarios in their mind that will make them worried. In addition, they may begin to lose concentration when dealing with day-to-day stuff, such as, work, watching a movie, or even have problems sleeping.

No matter what the reason maybe, you could be addicted to drama, as this may be your natural state and can hinder the relationships by creating a distance between you and your spouse. This experience can be very unhealthy in the long term as it leads to other mental health issues such as panic attacks or anxiety disorder in more extreme cases.

How to stop being anxious in relationships:

1. Let go of controlling others

It is good to come to a realization that the only person that you can control within a relationship is yourself. The fact that you want to control another person indicates that you are not in control of yourself. I appreciate that you don’t want anyone to mistreat you within a relationship and you want to figure out how you can control your spouse. The fact is you can’t, even if you could track his whereabouts every second of the day, you would still feel insecure.

2. Take responsibility for your happiness

In order to a have a more positive relationship, you have to begin to take responsibility for your happiness and invest in yourself.

3. Focus on other areas of your life.

When you make a relationship the center of your universe, you will spend a lot of time thinking about it, in a way that you are subconsciously distracting yourself from yourself. If you cannot focus on work, over analytical, stressing over what your spouse is doing, why he did not call or respond to your messages. This can be very stressful and could make you feel insecure. It is better to focus on other areas of your life, to get the balance.

4. Enjoy your hobbies

The world is a big place and there are so many things that you can you do, including starting a new hobbies or interest. It is also important to learn to enjoy your own company.

5. Let your partner miss you

If your partner knows your every move, you are always predictable, and always available to her/him. Consequently, you could be subconsciously allowing her/him to take you for granted. Let her/him miss you sometimes.

 

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Dealing with the challenges of being a single mum. 

Being a single mum can be rewarding and challenging at the same time. You are responsible for playing so many roles on a daily basis including being a mum, dad, friend, mentor, teacher, cheerleader and a working mother to make ends meet within the home.

It takes a woman of strength and courage to apply these roles, since it is a very demanding role to play. Some women became a single mum by choice, where most do not.

If you are a single parent having difficulties bringing up your children, I want to encourage you not to be dismayed. Keep up the good work.

There are 2 million single parents in the UK and 92% of them are single mothers. Research shows that children from single parent families are more likely to suffer poor health, do badly at school, and fall into crime or drugs abuse when they are teenagers. These facts are not entirely true, as there are many children from single parent families who have excelled in all areas of their lives and are very successful.

Useful tips:

Avoid being super-mum

Always remember that are you are not super-mum and there is no such thing as a perfect parent, you can only do the best you can. Juggling a career and running a home is not easy for two parents let alone one.

 Get support

Get the help and support from family and friends.

Learn to heal and deal with unresolved issues from the past

It is important to forgive people that have hurt, disappointed, rejected, betrayed and abandoned you, specifically your children’s father. There is nothing worse than being a bitter woman; this will not help the relationship with your children. Even when you decide to date again, no man wants to hear negative things about your ex, as it shows animosity.

Never say negative things about your children’s father in front of them, because this actually reflects a negative image of you, and children believe what they hear. If things did not work out between you and your ex-partner, try and avoid getting your children involved. The relationship was your choice and not your children’s.

Allow your children to have a relationship with their father

Not allowing your children not to see their father because you are hurt and using them to get at a man is never a good idea. It is manipulation and you’re actually hurting your children more. Playing these emotional games, especially when the man desires to be involved in the child life, it is not healthy and can be emotionally draining.

Be open and honest with your children

Children are more intelligent than you think and they have the ability to recognise when you’re not being your true self.

Children need your time and love

The most valuable thing that you can give any child is your love and time. No amount of money, gifts, toys can replace this. Keep your children busy by engaging them in regular activities.

Boundaries within the home

No matter how close you are with your children, always have boundaries, you are the adult within your household and you need to be respected.

 Enjoy your hobbies

 Have time to recharge yourself, meet up with friends and enjoy your own hobbies.

Don’t give up on restarting another relationship because you’re a single parent

Take your time to get to know the other person. Remember that dating is no longer about just you. You now have to take your child into consideration.

Avoid getting new partners to meet your children too soon

It doesn’t reflect a positive view of you in your child’s eyes or your new partner. Remember it is always your responsibility to protect your children and be careful about who you invite into your home.

 Be a positive role model

Encourage your children to believe in themselves and always speak positively about them. You are the person that is responsible for building their esteem, from birth.

Set goals and enjoy your life

Remember not everyone is blessed with children, so be grateful for what you have.

 

 

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Better Relationships?

Do you seek them, wish for them, long for them?

Come to an introductory workshop with the relationship experts to understand how it can happen, make it a reality for you.

Are your relationships with your partner, family, friends and colleagues fractious or non-existent?

Do you feel cherished, loved, listened to, respected and treated with dignity? 

Why not?

Is your life joyfully enhanced by those around you?

Why not?

What is missing, what is the key, who has the key?

We do, come along and learn to gain the insight to creating the relationships you wish for to fulfil your life with the joy of sharing with others.

This event will be hosted by Kate Megase and Larry Watson.

Kate Megase

Kate is a passionate counsellor, motivational speaker and personal coach, who is a member of The British Association and Psychotherapy (BACP). She possesses the wisdom to help individuals understand the root cause of their relationship issues and how past events have contributed to their current situation.

She has a natural gift of helping others to gain greater self-awareness and build their self-concept.

 Her work involves helping clients to understand the dynamics of their unconscious behaviour and the roles that it plays in personal and professional relationships. This approach has enabled many of her clients to discover their self-identity, and fulfill their true purpose in life. 

Larry Watson

Larry has spent his whole life dealing with problem relationships resulting in him establishing a sound understanding of the issues, dynamics and the means to establish resolutions between people.  He is a long established counsellor, teacher/trainer and formerly has had a successful career within policing, all of which are people and relationship focused.

As a result he has developed an acutely honed intuitive insight into relationships which he applies in all of his engagements whether counselling, coaching or training, domestic situations, work or business, relationships are at the core of life.  His purpose in life is enabling others to fulfil theirs, maximising their life potential. 

Early bird tickets for £57.50 (end on 23.09.19) – Full price £97.50 

Jurys Inn Croydon – Wellesley Road, CR0 9XY, Croydon, CR0 9XY 
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Why do women date men that are emotionally unavailable?

Often, women from dysfunctional families, whose father may have been emotionally unavailable or may have been abandoned by their fathers or mother, are more likely to attract spouses with the same characteristics.

People can be emotionally unavailable for many reasons, such as; drugs, alcohol abuse, working long hours, having large families, having parents who have had emotional issues from their childhood or mental health issues. Whatever the reason, when someone is emotionally unavailable within a relationship, it is hard work. It’s means that they are not emotionally connected to you. As such, that person can not meet your emotional needs, and you may find that you spend so much time investing in a relationship which is not reciprocal.

Furthermore, because you want your spouse to love you, you may start doing more to make him happy, or even seek approval and as a result of this, you may spend a lot of time over analysing the relationship. This will then become your main focus, which can be unhealthy, as it is an unconscious way of distracting yourself from your own growth. Generally, when you give or love too much, people will always want more. Therefore, when you find yourself giving too much within a relationship, you need to stop immediately, unless you want to become someone’s doormat.

People who are emotionally unavailable tend to have narcissist behaviour, they are takers, and so you will also be the giver.

Have you ever been in a relationship, where, when a man makes you happy, you’re really happy and when he makes you sad, you’re really sad and cannot concentrate on anything else?  This leads to anxiety; low self esteem and could lead to having trust issues.

An emotionally unavailable spouse will not allow you to be relaxed within a relationship, you will be always guessing and feeling disconnected to that person and cause you to mistrust yourself, which will allow your spouse to control you, and not allow them to get attached to you, because they may not be capable of making a commitment to you. A man can enjoy your company or having sex with you, but doesn’t mean he loves you.

Attracting men with a lot emotional issues and secretly thinking that you can fix them, is another way of distracting yourself. Whatever the case may be, it is hard work.

When you truly love, respect and value yourself as someone special, you will not want to work hard for love. The fact that you’re working hard means, you don’t think you deserve the best, and may be addicted to the drama. So stop blaming others and take responsibility for your choices.

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Stop seeking approval in relationships

Unhappy pretty girl with complexes and broken mirror
Unhappy pretty girl with complexes and broken mirror

Stop seeking approval in relationships

Everyone has a desire to be liked, admired or loved. However, it is very dangerous when you constantly want acceptance and approval from others, as this can become a negative habit if it is not addressed.

People with low self-esteem usually want acceptance from others, because they don’t feel good about themselves. This could be a result of unresolved childhood issues or an experience that has lead one to believe that they are not good enough. Whatever the case may be, it is often hard to accept and even take ownership for this habit. No one really wants to admit that, they seek approval from others people. This can be a very pain revelation.

Some individuals often want to please others to be liked and may find it difficult to say no. The sad reality is that they are willing to put off investing in themselves and are more eager to make other people like, accept or notice them. I can appreciate how hard it is if you didn’t feel valued as child and as an adult you may be unconsciously seeking validation from others.

The reality is, you have a need to be liked and that need can not be met by someone else.  For instance, when you get satisfaction when that need is met, the desire will always remain over and over again. Therefore, you will constantly need that, need to be met all the time. It is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole, it will never be filled, unless the whole is sealed, which only you can do.  This habit can become addictive and you can easily develop a need for more.

How to avoid seeking approval from others

Acknowledge and accept that you have this problem, as you can’t change what you are not aware of.

Take time to value your own beliefs, values and ideas. When you constantly want others to approve who you are, you are giving away your power, diminishing your self-concept and making other people’s opinions more important than your own.

Learn to say no

It is important to help others but it’s also unhealthy to do things you don’t really want to, in exchange to make other people happy. If you spend your time making other people happy, more than yourself, you are only causing yourself more stress, and emotional pain. This could lead to suppressed anger, especially when you give so much and don’t get it in return.

Learn to be assertive

It is important to speak up when you disagree or when you feel that someone is taking advantage of you. The more you allow people to take advantage of you, the more they will. You do not want to spend your life being a victim and over analyzing how unfair you have been mistreated.

Give yourself the love that you need

Give yourself what you seek from others such as acceptance, approval and love, and you can only find it when you stop seeking approval from others. This process will increase your esteem; self respect and will help you feel more at peace with yourself.

 

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Are you looking for love in the wrong places?

If you have grown up in an environment where you were not shown love, it can be hard to love yourself. After all, can you love someone (you) when no one has shown you love? As it was your parents’ responsibility to love, nurture, and protect you. If they have not done so, you will begin to lack self-identity and may attract people that may reinforce the negative emotions associated with low self-esteem.

You may also begin to love others more than yourself, by investing time and energy hoping to receive the love which you never received from your childhood. This process is very damaging and can lead to more separation from your true self.

Everyone needs to be loved, and if you did not receive this when growing up, you need to stop looking for it from people or things. Your past is behind you and your future is ahead. Hence, you are the only person that is responsible for loving, caring and nurturing yourself. If you don’t, sadly, no else can.

Remember, that the way people treat you is the reflection of how you treat yourself. If you have been in abusive or negative relationships, then it is time to take a step back and ask yourself ” I am really loving the real me and how am I contributing to the way others treat me”.

The more you love yourself, the more love and respect you will receive from others.

Most people want be in a relationship, but you cannot really get the relationship you deserve, until you have a good relationship yourself. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make you happy.  You need to begin to take responsibility for your life.

Sometimes people spend so much time trying to control others in exchange for love and lose their self-identity in the process. As a result of this, they would rather spend more time investing in other people’s growth than their own.

These individuals pursue relationships, unconsciously hoping to change their spouse, to the way that they would like them to be and often get frustrated when they can see no change. The reality is you can never change anyone, and the fact that you want control others simply means that you are not in control of yourself.

How to truly begin to love yourself

 

Learn to trust yourself.

It’s important to begin to make simple decisions for yourself, instead of depending on others to make decisions for you. Indecisiveness causes doubt and you cannot truly trust people, if you constantly doubt yourself.

It doesn’t matter if the decisions that you make are wrong; it’s all about having the ability to grow as an individual.

When other people make decisions for you, they are determining your future and you will always be reliant on them, which can lead to codependent relationships. Trusting yourself is the foundation of establishing a relationship with yourself. The more you know who you are, the more you will understand the power within and the special unique gifts that you have, rather than looking at how wonderful other people are.

Learn to understand your emotions.

Emotions are very powerful and if you don’t understand them, then they can control you and could lead to negative emotional well-being. Your emotions represent who you are. The first step, to understanding your emotions (which is not always easy) is learn to sit with your vulnerabilities, such as; fear, sadness, pain, guilt, anger and other insecurities. The more you begin to sit with emotional discomfort,  the stronger you will become.  Vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. You could delay emotional growth if you use people, TV, drugs, sex and alcohol to numb your emotions.

Facing the emotional pain with the right support and techniques will become easier and easier, instead of suppressing them. Personal insecurities will always follow you wherever you go, like a shadow and the reality is, you can run away from everyone but you can’t run away from who you are. Another useful technique is keeping a journal of your thoughts and emotions. This method helps you to understand yourself, in a reflective way. It is also an excellent way to monitor your personal development and growth.

Create some me time.

It is very important to enjoy your own company rather being fully reliant on others. After all, if you do not enjoy your own company, how can you expect others to? If you are the type of person who don’t enjoy your own company, it never too late to begin. Start doing things that you enjoy, such as reading, going for walks, taking long baths with candles and some occasional quiet time to reflect. I can appreciate how difficult it can be to spend time alone, but with regular practice and commitment, you will soon begin to break free from distracting yourself from the real you.

Pursue your goals

A goal without action is a dream. There is nothing worse than settling for less in life and doing the same thing over and over again,  but expecting a different result. Life without a vision or direction is empty. It’s like going on journey without a destination.

When setting goals it is best to make them realistic and achievable. You can begin with small goals than expand to bigger ones, once you are more comfortable. I recommend writing your goals and placing them somewhere visible. You can set also reminders on your mobile device, to do something small each day towards your goal.

Remember, no matter how long or challenging it may seem, never give up. Just keep going and you will get there.

Be grateful

Gratitude is essential for maintaining positive emotional well being. It helps you appreciate what you have instead of, constantly wanting more. Keeping a gratitude diary helps you to see your life from a different perceptive and will enable you to have a positive mind set, regardless of any challenges that you face in life.