Category: Relationships

Why do women date men that are emotionally unavailable?

Often, women from dysfunctional families, whose father may have been emotionally unavailable or may have been abandoned by their fathers or mother, are more likely to attract spouses with the same characteristics.

People can be emotionally unavailable for many reasons, such as; drugs, alcohol abuse, working long hours, having large families, having parents who have had emotional issues from their childhood or mental health issues. Whatever the reason, when someone is emotionally unavailable within a relationship, it is hard work. It’s means that they are not emotionally connected to you. As such, that person can not meet your emotional needs, and you may find that you spend so much time investing in a relationship which is not reciprocal.

Furthermore, because you want your spouse to love you, you may start doing more to make him happy, or even seek approval and as a result of this, you may spend a lot of time over analysing the relationship. This will then become your main focus, which can be unhealthy, as it is an unconscious way of distracting yourself from your own growth. Generally, when you give or love too much, people will always want more. Therefore, when you find yourself giving too much within a relationship, you need to stop immediately, unless you want to become someone’s doormat.

People who are emotionally unavailable tend to have narcissist behaviour, they are takers, and so you will also be the giver.

Have you ever been in a relationship, where, when a man makes you happy, you’re really happy and when he makes you sad, you’re really sad and cannot concentrate on anything else?  This leads to anxiety; low self esteem and could lead to having trust issues.

An emotionally unavailable spouse will not allow you to be relaxed within a relationship, you will be always guessing and feeling disconnected to that person and cause you to mistrust yourself, which will allow your spouse to control you, and not allow them to get attached to you, because they may not be capable of making a commitment to you. A man can enjoy your company or having sex with you, but doesn’t mean he loves you.

Attracting men with a lot emotional issues and secretly thinking that you can fix them, is another way of distracting yourself. Whatever the case may be, it is hard work.

When you truly love, respect and value yourself as someone special, you will not want to work hard for love. The fact that you’re working hard means, you don’t think you deserve the best, and may be addicted to the drama. So stop blaming others and take responsibility for your choices.

Breaking the cycle of painful relationships

If your parents mistreated you during your childhood, it’s now time to break the cycle. There is no point allowing the cycle to continue onto the next generation. Sometimes people wonder why their parents did not love them. Research shows, that some parents who struggle to love their own children were mistreated by their parents when growing up. As result of this, they have passed the pain and emotional baggage onto the next generation and may find it hard to demonstrate love. This experience during childhood could also cause individuals to attract spouses with similar personality tracts as their parents, hoping to be fixed. However, this process only reinforces the negative emotions.

People only do what they know. For example if your grandparent(s) mistreated your parent(s) when they were younger, then your parent(s) may find it hard to show you love. If your childhood has been a painful reminder and you went through a lot of emotional pain, then it now time to break the cycle. You need to ask yourself; if you had struggled with your identity, felt unloved, and insecure when growing, then why would you want to put your children through the same experience?

It really interesting how some individuals attract the same type of people that mistreat them over and over again. Whether it is abusive relationships or unfaithful, or controlling partners, these negative relationships, all have similar patterns. Sometimes, these individuals do not understand why they keep meeting the same type of spouse. The reality is, if grow up in an environment where love represented pain, sadness, anxiety then you are more likely to attract people who will reinforce these destructive emotions.

Consequently, if you really what to understand why you may be attracting the wrong type of people, then it is time explore what love represented during your childhood. For instance, if you grew up in an environment where you witnessed your mother being physically abused, then you may be more likely to be drawn to abusive partners, as love represents pain.

Hence, you’re unconsciously drawn to people that will cause you pain. It’s like magnets. So, what home represented for you is what you’re likely to attract, this process keeps the generational cycle going.

But there comes a time when the negative cycle needs to be broken, especially when you have children. After all, if you did not like the way your parents treated you, why do the same thing to your children?

Also, the emotions which manifested during your childhood, if not addressed, could lead to anxiety, addictions, sexual problems, anger issues, low self-esteem and depression.

How to break the cycle.

Learn to appreciate your parents are not perfect and may have experienced negative treatments from their parents, which may seem like the norm for them. Hence, unconsciously they were repeating the cycle, as this was “what home presented”.

Learn to forgive

Not forgiving others, is like drinking poison, as it builds up and causes a lot of painful emotions, such as anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, which could impact the relationships you have with your self and others. It is not a weakness to forgive people that have hurt you. The fact is, when you don’t forgive others, you are unconsciously allowing them to control you. Though the relationship may be distant, the hurt can be so raw within. In addition, you probably spending more time thinking about the painful experiences, when the other person is busy getting on with life.

Don’t look for others to fix, what’s broken.

it’s never a good idea to look for love from people or things to numb the pain that you have experienced whilst growing up, if you didn’t get this from your parents then only you can, heal the pain. Give your self what you didn’t get from your parents, love, value, nurture, and acceptance.

Stop seeking approval in relationships

Unhappy pretty girl with complexes and broken mirror
Unhappy pretty girl with complexes and broken mirror

Stop seeking approval in relationships

Everyone has a desire to be liked, admired or loved. However, it is very dangerous when you constantly want acceptance and approval from others, as this can become a negative habit if it is not addressed.

People with low self-esteem usually want acceptance from others, because they don’t feel good about themselves. This could be a result of unresolved childhood issues or an experience that has lead one to believe that they are not good enough. Whatever the case may be, it is often hard to accept and even take ownership for this habit. No one really wants to admit that, they seek approval from others people. This can be a very pain revelation.

Some individuals often want to please others to be liked and may find it difficult to say no. The sad reality is that they are willing to put off investing in themselves and are more eager to make other people like, accept or notice them. I can appreciate how hard it is if you didn’t feel valued as child and as an adult you may be unconsciously seeking validation from others.

The reality is, you have a need to be liked and that need can not be met by someone else.  For instance, when you get satisfaction when that need is met, the desire will always remain over and over again. Therefore, you will constantly need that, need to be met all the time. It is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole, it will never be filled, unless the whole is sealed, which only you can do.  This habit can become addictive and you can easily develop a need for more.

How to avoid seeking approval from others

Acknowledge and accept that you have this problem, as you can’t change what you are not aware of.

Take time to value your own beliefs, values and ideas. When you constantly want others to approve who you are, you are giving away your power, diminishing your self-concept and making other people’s opinions more important than your own.

Learn to say no

It is important to help others but it’s also unhealthy to do things you don’t really want to, in exchange to make other people happy. If you spend your time making other people happy, more than yourself, you are only causing yourself more stress, and emotional pain. This could lead to suppressed anger, especially when you give so much and don’t get it in return.

Learn to be assertive

It is important to speak up when you disagree or when you feel that someone is taking advantage of you. The more you allow people to take advantage of you, the more they will. You do not want to spend your life being a victim and over analyzing how unfair you have been mistreated.

Give yourself the love that you need

Give yourself what you seek from others such as acceptance, approval and love, and you can only find it when you stop seeking approval from others. This process will increase your esteem; self respect and will help you feel more at peace with yourself.

 

Are you looking for love in the wrong places?

If you have grown up in an environment where you were not shown love, it can be hard to love yourself. After all, can you love someone (you) when no one has shown you love? As it was your parents’ responsibility to love, nurture, and protect you. If they have not done so, you will begin to lack self-identity and may attract people that may reinforce the negative emotions associated with low self-esteem.

You may also begin to love others more than yourself, by investing time and energy hoping to receive the love which you never received from your childhood. This process is very damaging and can lead to more separation from your true self.

Everyone needs to be loved, and if you did not receive this when growing up, you need to stop looking for it from people or things. Your past is behind you and your future is ahead. Hence, you are the only person that is responsible for loving, caring and nurturing yourself. If you don’t, sadly, no else can.

Remember, that the way people treat you is the reflection of how you treat yourself. If you have been in abusive or negative relationships, then it is time to take a step back and ask yourself ” I am really loving the real me and how am I contributing to the way others treat me”.

The more you love yourself, the more love and respect you will receive from others.

Most people want be in a relationship, but you cannot really get the relationship you deserve, until you have a good relationship yourself. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make you happy.  You need to begin to take responsibility for your life.

Sometimes people spend so much time trying to control others in exchange for love and lose their self-identity in the process. As a result of this, they would rather spend more time investing in other people’s growth than their own.

These individuals pursue relationships, unconsciously hoping to change their spouse, to the way that they would like them to be and often get frustrated when they can see no change. The reality is you can never change anyone, and the fact that you want control others simply means that you are not in control of yourself.

How to truly begin to love yourself

 

Learn to trust yourself.

It’s important to begin to make simple decisions for yourself, instead of depending on others to make decisions for you. Indecisiveness causes doubt and you cannot truly trust people, if you constantly doubt yourself.

It doesn’t matter if the decisions that you make are wrong; it’s all about having the ability to grow as an individual.

When other people make decisions for you, they are determining your future and you will always be reliant on them, which can lead to codependent relationships. Trusting yourself is the foundation of establishing a relationship with yourself. The more you know who you are, the more you will understand the power within and the special unique gifts that you have, rather than looking at how wonderful other people are.

Learn to understand your emotions.

Emotions are very powerful and if you don’t understand them, then they can control you and could lead to negative emotional well-being. Your emotions represent who you are. The first step, to understanding your emotions (which is not always easy) is learn to sit with your vulnerabilities, such as; fear, sadness, pain, guilt, anger and other insecurities. The more you begin to sit with emotional discomfort,  the stronger you will become.  Vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. You could delay emotional growth if you use people, TV, drugs, sex and alcohol to numb your emotions.

Facing the emotional pain with the right support and techniques will become easier and easier, instead of suppressing them. Personal insecurities will always follow you wherever you go, like a shadow and the reality is, you can run away from everyone but you can’t run away from who you are. Another useful technique is keeping a journal of your thoughts and emotions. This method helps you to understand yourself, in a reflective way. It is also an excellent way to monitor your personal development and growth.

Create some me time.

It is very important to enjoy your own company rather being fully reliant on others. After all, if you do not enjoy your own company, how can you expect others to? If you are the type of person who don’t enjoy your own company, it never too late to begin. Start doing things that you enjoy, such as reading, going for walks, taking long baths with candles and some occasional quiet time to reflect. I can appreciate how difficult it can be to spend time alone, but with regular practice and commitment, you will soon begin to break free from distracting yourself from the real you.

Pursue your goals

A goal without action is a dream. There is nothing worse than settling for less in life and doing the same thing over and over again,  but expecting a different result. Life without a vision or direction is empty. It’s like going on journey without a destination.

When setting goals it is best to make them realistic and achievable. You can begin with small goals than expand to bigger ones, once you are more comfortable. I recommend writing your goals and placing them somewhere visible. You can set also reminders on your mobile device, to do something small each day towards your goal.

Remember, no matter how long or challenging it may seem, never give up. Just keep going and you will get there.

Be grateful

Gratitude is essential for maintaining positive emotional well being. It helps you appreciate what you have instead of, constantly wanting more. Keeping a gratitude diary helps you to see your life from a different perceptive and will enable you to have a positive mind set, regardless of any challenges that you face in life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How fear abandonment affects relationships

Fear of abandonment usually affects people that have been abandoned or neglected by their parents during their childhood either due to death of a parent, a divorce or inadequate physical or emotional care.

These individuals often attract spouses that may reinforce the negative emotions that are associated with this fear, which can often leave a person feeling insecure and anxious within intimate relationships.

When a person has a fear of abandonment, they never feel safe within relationships, and always have thoughts at the back of their mind about their spouse leaving them, or assume that their partner is having an affair, without any objective evidence. This can lead self-sabotaging behaviour and can make an individual feel on edge or anxious.

As a result of this fear, individuals’ works hard for love so they are not abandoned, like their parent/s did when they were growing up.

When confronted with challenges within a relationship and their emotions get triggered, a person may feel like ending the relationship, or hurting the other person before they get hurt. Even within a healthy relationship, you can still think that one day the person will leave you, based on the rejection from your childhood, or if you have had unfaithful partners in your previous relationships.

Women often give too much, by spoiling and trying to prove  to their spouse that they are perfect, so that a person can appreciate them. This behaviour does not work, as it is a form of manipulation. Learn to give your self-unconditional love and what you look for from others.

How counseling can help with fear of abandonment

Acknowledge the fear

It is impossible to resolve any issue if you are unaware of it. In order to overcome fear of abandonment, it is very important to acknowledge, accept and understand the root cause. Whether it is through a loss of a family member who you may not have had a chance to say goodbye or rekindle the relationship; or through a separation from a parent who may have left when you were growing up. In such circumstances, it is possible to have suppressed anger towards that person, which can be unconsciously expressed or triggered within other relationships.  In addition, if fear of abandonment is a result of rejection from parent(s) then counselling can help you to understand the emotional pain that may be associated with your self esteem.

Recognise the emotions that are associated fears of abandonment 

When you have been deeply hurt by abandonment, you may become very needy, constantly seeking attention or needing regular reassurance from others. Consequently, you don’t enjoy your own company and often finds ways to distract yourself from your pain. This could involve the use of alcohol, drugs, sex or excessive time spent watching TV.  Counselling can help you to understand emotions that you find overwhelming and difficult to cope with on your own. This process will help you to have deeper understanding of yourself and recognise your own inner resources, rather than being dependent on others to make you happy.

Take Action

With the help of a counsellor, you can begin to establish the trust, firstly within yourself and others. It will also allow you to have an understanding of emotional triggers, which may be associated with fear of abandonment. Keeping a journal will help you have deeper insights of your thoughts and emotions, which your counsellor will support you to manage. With time, the fear will minimize and counselling will help you to learn to separate the fear from past that may be linked to the present.