Tag: goals

Fear of being alone

We are created to be loved, as love is based on the foundation of human existence, so be encouraged and assured that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship is exciting and enjoyable when you are with the right person. However, problems arise when you are afraid of being on your own, to the extent that you jump from one relationship to another to prevent having a relationship with yourself.

There are many reasons which may influence you to desire a relationship. Here are some of the key factors that create fear of being alone.

Age

You feel that you’re getting older and you are afraid that the chances of having a baby are decreasing, which creates an intense fear of your biological clock ticking.

Peer pressure

Most of your friends are in a relationship/getting married with children. You are worrying that you’re becoming the odd one out, or even fearing that there is something wrong with you that leads you to have failed relationships.

Family dynamics

If your parents are separated and one or both parents have not moved on from the past, this may trigger a fear to avoid being like them, as you can imagine spending the rest of your life alone.

Cultural and parental pressure

Within certain cultures, women are particularly expected to get married and have children before they reach 40 years of age. When a woman reaches her mid-30s, she starts to panic about being alone for the rest of her life due to cultural beliefs that she should be married with a child by her mid to late 30s.

Regardless of your reasons for not wanting to be on your own, it’s essential to like and enjoy your own company irrespective of your circumstances.

Simple ways to get rid of the fear of being single forever

  • Learn to be at peace with yourself

Self-acceptance is the beginning of building true intimacy and accepting everything about who you are as a person. Begin to self-evaluate by being honest about the type of relationship that you have with yourself. For instance, do you often criticise yourself, thinking that you are ugly, too old, too fat, not good enough and not worthy of being loved? Your emotional well-being and confidence will be hindered if you talk or think of yourself in this manner. It will lead to low self-esteem, fear and insecurities. Feeling good about yourself begins with your thoughts, so the aim is to “think good, feel good”. Bad thoughts influence you to feel bad. We all have inner power which helps to build our esteem, so avoid giving your power away by been stuck in a negative place. We all feel negative from time to time, but it’s highly essential that you don’t get stuck there.

  • Feel good about yourself

If you have had negative experiences which could hinder the way that you feel about yourself, then it’s essential that you try your utmost to deal with it. Speaking to people that you trust can help you tremendously. Don’t bottle this up; instead learn to talk about it, as expressing your emotions can help to overcome depression, contribute to feeling positive, build your confidence and self-esteem. Remember – positive people attract positive people, and negative people always attract negative people. Unfortunately, if you don’t believe in yourself, other people will not do this either. It’s like selling something that you don’t like or value, but want others to. It’s very conflicting. The more you believe and love yourself, the more convinced and positive you will feel about finding the right partner for you.

  • Change your mindset about being single

Being single is a period to be embraced. It is time to get to know and understand who you are as a person before you pursue your potential spouse. This is a period in your life where you can set personal goals and work towards fulfilling your true destiny. When you are living the life that you want and enjoying yourself, there is no time wasted, as the best mindset to adopt is living your life to the fullest and still preparing yourself for a life partner. You are likely to get the right partner when you have taken time to love, accept, develop, know and understand yourself, as these are some key principles required from a relationship. So rather than being afraid of being alone, embrace it and prepare for your life partner by aiming to be your best self. Remember – you meet people based on where you are on an emotional level.

  • Enjoy yourself

Create time to enjoy yourself by engaging in enjoyable activities with friends and family. Feeling empty and negative will not motivate or empower you. Create a happy list to enjoy things that you love and have fun. When you are not satisfied with who you are and become desperate to be in a relationship, it could contribute to meeting the wrong people that may mistreat you and take advantage of your vulnerabilities. People want to be around positive and happy people.

  • Don’t be jealous of other people’s relationships

No relationship is perfect, and some people may choose to edit negative experiences about their relationships when discussing their relationship with you, so you will never really understand the full dynamics of another person’s relationship.

When you are happy for other happy couples, it minimises any bitterness, and you know in your heart that your time will come. Never compare yourself to others and understand that everyone has their journey. Your time will come too.

Is procrastination affecting your life?

The dictionary describes procrastination as “the action of delaying or postponing something”.

Often procrastination is the cause of fear; there could be many factors associated with this including:

Fear of failure – starting things and often not completing them because you believe you will fail, so you do not complete the task to avoid defeat.

Fear of success – you want to be successful, but you are afraid of your inability to handle fame or fortune, perhaps you are scared of hard work or even become someone else.

Excessive perfectionism – is another common cause of procrastination. This excessive perfectionism causes procrastination by always putting off tasks until you think you can do it perfectly. In many ways, this is similar to the “fear of failure” concept outlined above, except that instead of believing you cannot succeed at all, you worry that you cannot meet your high standards.

Low energy levels – when you are always feeling tired due to lack of sleep or rest, unhealthy lifestyle or diet, it can also contribute to you putting things off or feeling like you can’t do much.

Lack of focus – you may lack vision and purpose in your life. Unfortunately, when you don’t have a purpose, there is no motivation to set goals or even pursue them.

Regardless of which fear you mostly relate to, both of these are associated with low self-esteem. Fear is an emotion that prevents us from fulfilling our destiny and often paralyses you so you feel stuck and unable to move forward.

There are also countless negative coping responses such as:

  • Avoidance
  • Denial or trivialisation
  • Distractions.

Procrastination has been linked to some emotional issues such as depression, anxiety, low and self-esteem.

They are so many people who are not living their life to the fullest, as a result of procrastination due to fear.

How to overcome procrastination:

Self-awareness and acceptance

The only way you can change any problem in life is to accept that you have the problem. This is the first step to recovery. We all wear a mask at times and present a false impression to others. We can surely not fool ourselves; if we do this, we are living in denial. This is a very negative emotional prison, as others can see your problem but you refuse to look at it and convince yourself that you don’t have a problem. Self-acceptance empowers you and gives you the freedom to change.

Understanding the root cause

When it comes to breaking any negative habit, it’s essential to understand the cause. Often, most learnt behaviour stems from early childhood experiences. Thinking as far back as possible to your life experience of when you started procrastinating will help you tremendously. Once you know the root cause you can change it.

Facing the fear

Unfortunately we all experience fear from time to time but living your life in constant fear is equal to an emotional prison. There is only one way to deal with fear – feel the fear and do it anyway. There are many types of fears, so it’s crucial to identify the fear and begin to embrace it by doing your research and developing a strategic plan to overcome it. If you are feeling stuck, then you can get help from various professionals including a therapist or coach who will be able to help you.

Discover your purpose in life

Life without direction is empty and can be very unfulfilling. Take time to find out your purpose by asking yourself the following questions:

  • Who am I?
  • What do I enjoy doing with my time?
  • What would be a fulfilling career or business?
  • What are my key strengths?
  • What do I want to be remembered for in my life?
  • What hobbies or interests could I begin to implement?
  • What lifestyle can I create?
  • How do I see my best self?
  • Am I creating a life that allows me to have financial freedom?
  • How much do I want to earn and how am I going to make that?
  • What do I want from life?
  • Am I living my life to the fullest, if not why and what can I begin to do now?

Set goals

Goal setting gives you direction in life. Begin by setting clear and measurable goals known as “SMART” goals which mean:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Attainable
  • Relevant
  • Timely

When setting goals, it’s vital to ensure that you write goals somewhere that is visible so you can see it on a daily basis and set a reminder to do one thing each day towards your goals.

Don’t ever give up

You can acquire all the knowledge in the world, but knowledge without action is useless. Avoid things that may distract you so you can be more disciplined. The only way you will achieve the results you desire is by action, action and more action. You must keep trying no matter what. Life is about trying and trying again until you succeed, so never give up.

Don’t give up on your dreams

If you lack confidence it will effect your ability to excel and be the best that you can be.

It is really important to believe in yourself. If you don’t, sadly no one will. I can appreciate that it is not easy to be bold, courageous and persistent and go for what you want in life. After all, you will never know unless you try.

It’s very important to pursue the career of your dream and ask for what you want in relationships. Avoid constantly pleasing others and devaluing yourself or giving up on starting a relationship due to fear of the unknown or failure.

Fear is a dangerous emotion, which can paralyse you from being your best self. If you want to grow, then it’s important to come out of your comfort zone. I can appreciate that this is not easy, but you have to understand that growth comes with discomfort.

Imagine if a baby becomes so afraid of falling that they refuse to crawl or walk, how would they enjoy what life has to offer or develop themselves. Likewise, it’s the same when you resist growth; you will always be in the same place and may start envying others that are progressing.

People distract themselves in many ways including watching excessive TV, using recreational drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, work, and being too busy doing meaningless activities.

Sadly you will never see the end the result of any goal if you lack perseverance. However, there are individuals who have endured a challenging journey, which has allowed them to arrive at their destination. These individuals are driven, determined and are called ‘doers’, ‘go getters’ and ambitious.

What is it that you want right now in life? A new job, relationship, children, starting a new course, new house, car or more money? Did you know that the only person that is stopping you from getting all these things is yourself? Start resisting the negative inner voices that are telling you, you can’t.

How to go for what you want in life:

You must believe you can.
Create time to visualise what you want.
Write down your goals and ensure that you visualise them and look at them on a regular basis.
Set reminders on your mobile device to do one thing each day towards your desire goal.
Do some research, about the desired goal and ways to reach them.
Don’t let anyone discourage you, if you want it, go for it.
Surround yourself with positive and like-minded people.
No matter what challenges you encounter, don’t ever give up.
Remember challenges shape, and develop your character.
You can and you will!

Low self-esteem and relationships

Most people who have experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment and rejection, often attract spouses in relationships who often reinforce the emotions that are associated with these experiences.

These individuals unconsciously work hard in relationships by trying to please their spouse in exchange for attention, recognition, acceptance, and more importantly love. If you have work hard for love, you will continue working hard in need to gain love.

When a person’s esteem is low, they often attract partners who have low self-concept, which keeps the negative cycle going.

Women with low self esteem, are more likely to be drawn to spouses whose character resembles their fathers, particularly if their fathers were abusive, emotionally unavailable, didn’t love them or value them when growing up.

When you put people on a paddle stall, you tend to always look up to them and in response; they will always look down at you.

Sometimes women use make up and clothes to attract the opposite sex, unconsciously in exchange for love. When they don’t get the attention they need, they often wonder if there is something wrong with them.

They may even view sex as love, and have casual relationships in exchange for love.

If your esteem is low, you’re likely to settle for less, and never ask for what you want within relationships.

Low self-concept, demonstrates neediness, desperation and anxiety within relationships, which can be unappealing regardless of how attractive you are.

If you don’t love yourself, why should someone else love what you don’t love?

A person with low self-esteem often puts their spouse’s needs before their own, which could cause to anger and resentment.

Desperate and broken women attract desperate and broken men.

Many people are struggling with issues associated with their childhood and not taking responsibility for the damage, pain, and disappointments that they have experienced when growing up. Some look for others to fix them by jumping from one relationship to the next, only to realise the negative emotions and pain still remains as they unconsciously hold on to blame, pain and unforgiveness from the past.

Sometimes, a person can spend a lot of time being angry and blame others for how they feel. They may feel devalued, as they have valued others more. It is painful, when you don’t receive what you invest in others. However, it is worth taking time to explore the emotions that are hidden behind the anger, which could be: rejection, abandonment or hurt.

When you take the time to dig deeper, you may realise that this anger may have manifested from your childhood and have been buried. Hence, when triggered, you feel rejection, abandonment, pain and hurt.

Over coming low self esteem

You will attract emotionally balanced individuals when you’re balanced and whole within yourself.

It is important to understand your purpose in life and have a vision, this gives you a direction and hope, even when things are not the way you want it in the moment.

Have quality ‘me-time’ on a regular basis, this helps you to connect and nurture yourself.

Read more books, knowledge is power.

Make more positive and supportive friends, who have similar interest to you.

Learn to forgive others, even when it is difficult.

Take care of your self-image.

Find someone you trust to share your problems with, so you can off load.

Take responsibility for your happiness

Do things that you enjoy.

Be your own best friend.

Try new things to come out of your comfort zone.

Utilize your skills and strengths that you have.

Learn positive things in every negative situation

No matter what, never give up.

How to avoid low esteem

• Always value yourself, if you don’t then no one else will.

• The only person that is responsible for creating your destiny is you, and no one else; so you can’t expect other people to make you happy, if you are not happy with yourself.

• You can’t truly love or receive love without falling in love with who you really are.

• Improve your esteem by treating yourself as you would treat a valued friend.

• Learn to identify your full potential, and your purpose in life. (learn to focus on your strengths and work on areas of development).

• Setting goals gives you a purpose, vision and direction in life. You can do one thing daily towards your desired goal.

• Take care of yourself by, exercising, having a balanced diet and getting enough rest.

• Be conscious of what you feed your mind with.

• Be aware of what you focus your time, money and energy on. It is mostly positive or negative?

• Stop trying to please people; it is not good for your emotional well-being and you can never please everyone, even if you tried to.

• Be positive, negative energy can be draining.

• Enjoy your hobbies

• Consistency is the key to success.

• Challenges are part of life. It helps to develop your character, grow and come out of your comfort zone.

• There is nothing wrong with making mistakes, but avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. If something you are doing is not working, then you must learn to do things differently.

• Create time to nurture yourself , even if you have a busy schedule.

• Learn to give yourself, what you desperately need from others (LOVE)

Never ever give up on yourself.