Tag: anger

Unforgiveness and your health

Unforgiveness is when you are unwilling or unable to forgive someone for hurting, betraying, breaking your trust or causing you intense emotional pain. Forgiving is highly recommended, as there are various researches that have been carried out which shows that unforgiveness causes health issues including:

  • Cancer – 61% of cancer patients have forgiveness issues
  • Suppressed anger – people often get angry for any reason have issues associated with forgiveness
  • Low self-esteem – lack of self-love stem from not forgiving your self or self-acceptance
  • Bitterness – increases the risk of depression
  • Constant worrying increases of the risk sleep deprivation and anxiety
  • High blood pressure
  • Heart disease

When someone has hurt or disappointed you, the logical response would be to think that you’re hurting them by not forgiving them and holding a grudge. The harsh truth is that you’re actually causing yourself more pain by holding on to the anger, and the person that you wish not to forgive has the subconscious power to control you. However, you can get disconnected from the power of control when you forgive.

How to learn to forgive

Decide

When you feel that you have been hurt intensely by someone close to you, it’s very hard to even begin to consider forgiving them, as you want them to feel the pain. However, the first step is to release the emotional pain by making a conscious decision to forgive and let go. This process may take time, due to different emotions that you have to process.

Letting go of the baggage

True forgiveness is when you forgive and forget. However, we are imperfect human beings and although we may forgive we may not always forget as there may be incidents where we are triggered or remaindered of past events. Even if it is a struggle to forget, it’s very important to forgive by letting go of the emotional pain that has been caused.

Take responsibility for that part that you played

You can never control anyone, the only person that you can control is yourself. Taking responsibility for how you allowed someone to hurt you, enables you to set boundaries so you don’t put yourself in the same situation again.

Forgive yourself

It’s easier to forgive others when you learn to forgive yourself. No one can truly hurt you deeply unless you allow them. Sometimes it’s easier to blame others for causing you pain. However, the depth of the pain depends on the boundaries that you set within all your relationships. Forgive yourself for allowing others to treat you with disrespect or emotional pain

Awareness

Be aware of the negative emotions that you feel towards the other person including anger, bitterness, hurt, hatred, and jealousy. Awareness will help you to acknowledge the need to forgive. Holding on to the negative emotions is highly toxic and not good for your health.

Acceptance

You don’t need to make excuses for the person that hurt you. Even if you don’t want them back in your life, it’s essential to accept how you feel and the fact that you can’t change the past.

Learn from the experience

Sometimes we have to go through negative and painful experiences to learn some life lessons, which helps to develop ourselves. In every negative experience, it’s very important to ask yourself, what lessons you have learnt? This will enable you to avoid repeating the same thing over and over again. If you keep doing the same thing and don’t learn from the painful experiences then you will experience the same thing (pain) in your life. Life is like a classroom and people are teachers, and they come into our lives to teach certain things about ourselves. So take the time to learn the lessons regardless of how painful it may be.

Talk about it

When you feel ready to forgive, make arrangements to contact the person that has hurt you and express yourself. Talking things over helps you to let go.

Closure

If you have decided that you no longer want to have the person that has hurt you back in your life, then that is fine. You can write a letter to that person and bin or burn the letter. Writing helps to get rid of any negative suppressed emotions.

Are you looking for love in the wrong places?

If you have grown up in an environment where you were not shown love, it can be hard to love yourself. After all, can you love someone (you) when no one has shown you love? As it was your parents’ responsibility to love, nurture, and protect you. If they have not done so, you will begin to lack self-identity and may attract people that may reinforce the negative emotions associated with low self-esteem.

You may also begin to love others more than yourself, by investing time and energy hoping to receive the love which you never received from your childhood. This process is very damaging and can lead to more separation from your true self.

Everyone needs to be loved, and if you did not receive this when growing up, you need to stop looking for it from people or things. Your past is behind you and your future is ahead. Hence, you are the only person that is responsible for loving, caring and nurturing yourself. If you don’t, sadly, no else can.

Remember, that the way people treat you is the reflection of how you treat yourself. If you have been in abusive or negative relationships, then it is time to take a step back and ask yourself ” I am really loving the real me and how am I contributing to the way others treat me”.

The more you love yourself, the more love and respect you will receive from others.

Most people want be in a relationship, but you cannot really get the relationship you deserve, until you have a good relationship yourself. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make you happy.  You need to begin to take responsibility for your life.

Sometimes people spend so much time trying to control others in exchange for love and lose their self-identity in the process. As a result of this, they would rather spend more time investing in other people’s growth than their own.

These individuals pursue relationships, unconsciously hoping to change their spouse, to the way that they would like them to be and often get frustrated when they can see no change. The reality is you can never change anyone, and the fact that you want control others simply means that you are not in control of yourself.

How to truly begin to love yourself

 

Learn to trust yourself.

It’s important to begin to make simple decisions for yourself, instead of depending on others to make decisions for you. Indecisiveness causes doubt and you cannot truly trust people, if you constantly doubt yourself.

It doesn’t matter if the decisions that you make are wrong; it’s all about having the ability to grow as an individual.

When other people make decisions for you, they are determining your future and you will always be reliant on them, which can lead to codependent relationships. Trusting yourself is the foundation of establishing a relationship with yourself. The more you know who you are, the more you will understand the power within and the special unique gifts that you have, rather than looking at how wonderful other people are.

Learn to understand your emotions.

Emotions are very powerful and if you don’t understand them, then they can control you and could lead to negative emotional well-being. Your emotions represent who you are. The first step, to understanding your emotions (which is not always easy) is learn to sit with your vulnerabilities, such as; fear, sadness, pain, guilt, anger and other insecurities. The more you begin to sit with emotional discomfort,  the stronger you will become.  Vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. You could delay emotional growth if you use people, TV, drugs, sex and alcohol to numb your emotions.

Facing the emotional pain with the right support and techniques will become easier and easier, instead of suppressing them. Personal insecurities will always follow you wherever you go, like a shadow and the reality is, you can run away from everyone but you can’t run away from who you are. Another useful technique is keeping a journal of your thoughts and emotions. This method helps you to understand yourself, in a reflective way. It is also an excellent way to monitor your personal development and growth.

Create some me time.

It is very important to enjoy your own company rather being fully reliant on others. After all, if you do not enjoy your own company, how can you expect others to? If you are the type of person who don’t enjoy your own company, it never too late to begin. Start doing things that you enjoy, such as reading, going for walks, taking long baths with candles and some occasional quiet time to reflect. I can appreciate how difficult it can be to spend time alone, but with regular practice and commitment, you will soon begin to break free from distracting yourself from the real you.

Pursue your goals

A goal without action is a dream. There is nothing worse than settling for less in life and doing the same thing over and over again,  but expecting a different result. Life without a vision or direction is empty. It’s like going on journey without a destination.

When setting goals it is best to make them realistic and achievable. You can begin with small goals than expand to bigger ones, once you are more comfortable. I recommend writing your goals and placing them somewhere visible. You can set also reminders on your mobile device, to do something small each day towards your goal.

Remember, no matter how long or challenging it may seem, never give up. Just keep going and you will get there.

Be grateful

Gratitude is essential for maintaining positive emotional well being. It helps you appreciate what you have instead of, constantly wanting more. Keeping a gratitude diary helps you to see your life from a different perceptive and will enable you to have a positive mind set, regardless of any challenges that you face in life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Low self-esteem and relationships

Most people who have experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment and rejection, often attract spouses in relationships who often reinforce the emotions that are associated with these experiences.

These individuals unconsciously work hard in relationships by trying to please their spouse in exchange for attention, recognition, acceptance, and more importantly love. If you have work hard for love, you will continue working hard in need to gain love.

When a person’s esteem is low, they often attract partners who have low self-concept, which keeps the negative cycle going.

Women with low self esteem, are more likely to be drawn to spouses whose character resembles their fathers, particularly if their fathers were abusive, emotionally unavailable, didn’t love them or value them when growing up.

When you put people on a paddle stall, you tend to always look up to them and in response; they will always look down at you.

Sometimes women use make up and clothes to attract the opposite sex, unconsciously in exchange for love. When they don’t get the attention they need, they often wonder if there is something wrong with them.

They may even view sex as love, and have casual relationships in exchange for love.

If your esteem is low, you’re likely to settle for less, and never ask for what you want within relationships.

Low self-concept, demonstrates neediness, desperation and anxiety within relationships, which can be unappealing regardless of how attractive you are.

If you don’t love yourself, why should someone else love what you don’t love?

A person with low self-esteem often puts their spouse’s needs before their own, which could cause to anger and resentment.

Desperate and broken women attract desperate and broken men.

Many people are struggling with issues associated with their childhood and not taking responsibility for the damage, pain, and disappointments that they have experienced when growing up. Some look for others to fix them by jumping from one relationship to the next, only to realise the negative emotions and pain still remains as they unconsciously hold on to blame, pain and unforgiveness from the past.

Sometimes, a person can spend a lot of time being angry and blame others for how they feel. They may feel devalued, as they have valued others more. It is painful, when you don’t receive what you invest in others. However, it is worth taking time to explore the emotions that are hidden behind the anger, which could be: rejection, abandonment or hurt.

When you take the time to dig deeper, you may realise that this anger may have manifested from your childhood and have been buried. Hence, when triggered, you feel rejection, abandonment, pain and hurt.

Over coming low self esteem

You will attract emotionally balanced individuals when you’re balanced and whole within yourself.

It is important to understand your purpose in life and have a vision, this gives you a direction and hope, even when things are not the way you want it in the moment.

Have quality ‘me-time’ on a regular basis, this helps you to connect and nurture yourself.

Read more books, knowledge is power.

Make more positive and supportive friends, who have similar interest to you.

Learn to forgive others, even when it is difficult.

Take care of your self-image.

Find someone you trust to share your problems with, so you can off load.

Take responsibility for your happiness

Do things that you enjoy.

Be your own best friend.

Try new things to come out of your comfort zone.

Utilize your skills and strengths that you have.

Learn positive things in every negative situation

No matter what, never give up.