Tag: abuse

Low self esteem and relationships – Part 3

Anyone can suffer from low self esteem. Regardless of how great your childhood may have been, there may be some experiences that could impact your esteem, such as:

  • Divorce/relationship issues
  • Death of a loved one,
  • Unemployment
  • Life threatening illnesses
  • Failing an exam
  • Financial crisis
  • Housing issues
  • Family break down
  • Stress or depression
  • Dealing with challenging issues within the work place.

All of the above issues could affect anyone. However, people that have ongoing issues associated with low self esteem are mostly individuals from dysfunctional homes, who have been emotionally deprived based on what these individuals have witnessed. These experiences include being sexually, emotionally or physically abused.

There are also incidents where one or both parents may have been polygamous, experienced poverty, suffered with drugs/alcohol abuse, been emotionally unavailable or have had mental health issues.

The sad thing about life is that when babies are born, they are not programmed to dislike themselves; they love everything about who they are, until negative things about them are brought to their attention, particularly when the reflections that their parents projects are negative. Consequently, they will have a negative view of themselves, as babies see themselves as their parents see them. Parents are like a mirror as babies are born with no self identity.

That is why it is very important for parents to love and help build their child’s esteem. If you often hear that you are bad, ugly, dumb, will amount to nothing or that you are useless, then that will be how you perceive yourself and you will surely believe what you have been told by your parents.

Unfortunately, low self esteem becomes more apparent within inter-mate relationships than any other area of a person’s life. People with low esteem can appear confident in their appearance, by the way they speak, class, position within their career and how well they carry out their duties at work. Deep down however, they have a negative view of themselves. 

When your esteem is low you choose partners that are mostly emotionally unavailable or dislike men or women that treat you well. As you are so used to being treated badly, you subconsciously attract partners that reinforce the negative emotions from your childhood. For example picking partners that are emotionally damaged so you can fix them; partners that are overly selfish so work hard for love by putting them as the main focus within the relationship; partners that continuously cause you emotional pain, to keep you more insecure, anxious and paranoid; partners that will abandon you if you have issues with fear of abandonment; partners that have fear of commitment or intimacy, so they can love you from a distance.

How to overcome low self esteem 

Love yourself 

Self love is important and is the most useful way that you can have more satisfying and fulfilling relationships. When you learn to love yourself, you’re more equipped to give and receive love. After all, you cannot give the best of yourself to others until you give your best to yourself first. This is called being self-nurturing, not selfish. Most people always put everyone else before themselves. When you act in this way, you will always be secondary within relationships, in addition to being drained and not having much to give to yourself. Make yourself a priority and create some ‘me time’ to recharge yourself.

Acceptance

It is essential to be aware and accept who you are as an individual (the good, the bad and the ugly). It is impossible to make the change that you want unless you know that have the problem in the first place. There is nothing worse than living in denial.

Take time to understand yourself 
 
The more you understand yourself, the more you will discover the root cause of the low self esteem. Once you realise the root cause, take responsibility to work on yourself and forgive people that have contributed to your low self concept, such as your parents. It’s not emotionally healthy to blame people – doing so can make you a victim and you could become emotionally bitter. Instead, learn to take control of your life and give yourself the love that you didn’t receive from your childhood

Evaluate your relationships 

Ensure that you are not giving too much within your relationships and receiving very little back. A relationship should be reciprocal. When you often give too much to another person, they lose respect for you, so if you want others to respect you then start by respecting yourself. If you don’t, then you can’t expect others to do the same. 

Learn to forgive

Forgiving others helps you to let go of the emotional pain which you may be carrying around. When you hold on to the pain that others have caused you, particularly your parents, you are more likely to be subconsciously drawn to a partner that has similar characteristics as your parents. Consequently, your negative experiences will be constantly repeated from an emotional level. If you find it difficult to speak to the person that has hurt you, you can always write a letter but don’t send it. Just bin it or burn once you have written it.

 

Better Relationships?

Do you seek them, wish for them, long for them?

Come to an introductory workshop with the relationship experts to understand how it can happen, make it a reality for you.

Are your relationships with your partner, family, friends and colleagues fractious or non-existent?

Do you feel cherished, loved, listened to, respected and treated with dignity? 

Why not?

Is your life joyfully enhanced by those around you?

Why not?

What is missing, what is the key, who has the key?

We do, come along and learn to gain the insight to creating the relationships you wish for to fulfil your life with the joy of sharing with others.

This event will be hosted by Kate Megase and Larry Watson.

Kate Megase

Kate is a passionate counsellor, motivational speaker and personal coach, who is a member of The British Association and Psychotherapy (BACP). She possesses the wisdom to help individuals understand the root cause of their relationship issues and how past events have contributed to their current situation.

She has a natural gift of helping others to gain greater self-awareness and build their self-concept.

 Her work involves helping clients to understand the dynamics of their unconscious behaviour and the roles that it plays in personal and professional relationships. This approach has enabled many of her clients to discover their self-identity, and fulfill their true purpose in life. 

Larry Watson

Larry has spent his whole life dealing with problem relationships resulting in him establishing a sound understanding of the issues, dynamics and the means to establish resolutions between people.  He is a long established counsellor, teacher/trainer and formerly has had a successful career within policing, all of which are people and relationship focused.

As a result he has developed an acutely honed intuitive insight into relationships which he applies in all of his engagements whether counselling, coaching or training, domestic situations, work or business, relationships are at the core of life.  His purpose in life is enabling others to fulfil theirs, maximising their life potential. 

Early bird tickets for £57.50 (end on 23.09.19) – Full price £97.50 

Jurys Inn Croydon – Wellesley Road, CR0 9XY, Croydon, CR0 9XY 

What is low self esteem

What is low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem is how a person values themselves. The more positive you are about yourself, then the higher your self-esteem will be.

So when you keep telling yourself all the things that you are not good at, you are actually decreasing your self concept.

It is highly important to realise that having a high self-esteem is not based on, how attractive you are; it is all about how you feel about yourself.

Even the most beautiful women in the world suffer from low self-esteem.

Research shows that the people you attract into your life are a reflection of your self value. Women with high self-esteem have a tendency to attract men that have a high self concept and vice versa.

Signs of low self-esteem

Attracting abusive partners in relationships (whether it is verbal, physical or emotional).

Constantly seeking approval of others, attention seeking or people pleasing.

Avoiding conflicts, because you are afraid of how other people will perceive you.

Constantly worrying, and not being able to relax or have a sound mind.

Comparing yourself to others, who are above or below you, based on your ego needs at the time.

Being highly critical of yourself.

Not making your own decisions or letting other people make important decisions for you.

Constantly complaining about your circumstances, which you know you’re able to change.

Not forgiving yourself or others.

The more positive view that you have of yourself, the higher your self-esteem will be, and also the more negative view that you have of yourself the lower your self-esteem will be.

It is very important to get rid of things that make you highly unattractive to yourself.

How to increase your self-esteem.

Learn to appreciate who you are and the blessings that you have in your life, (show gratitude).

Stop setting yourself up for stress or failure. You don’t need more stress to get the adrenaline going, unless you think this is the start of boredom?

Don’t try to become someone that you are not and just be yourself – so idolising superstars is very unhealthy, just be who you are and develop yourself.

Taking care of yourself by eating well and exercising on a regular basis will give you a sense of well-being.

Get into a habit of thinking and saying positive things to yourself.

Negative people can be draining, so spend more time with positive people, who are encouraging.

Be assertive and don’t allow people to treat you with lack of respect.

Engage in your hobbies and interest.

Learn to accept compliments, no matter how hard it may be.

Know what you want and say so.

Learn to give your self ,what you desperately need from others  (LOVE)